Your Winning Formula For Leading Crucial Conversations
For many of us, hearing the term “crucial conversations” or imagining participating in one can trigger a physical, nauseating response. If you find yourself asking “do I really have to have that conversation?”, the answer is always “yes”. A crucial conversation may conjure up images of a boardroom or executive level management, but we have all had opportunities to engage in crucial conversations, whether with a disgruntled customer or colleague, grumpy neighbour, family member, friend, or partner. Like with any skill, the more we engage and practice crucial conversations the easier they get. Your reward for the discomfort? You will see the quality of your relationships will improve.
We have all been in a position where we try to restrain our negative feelings and over time the resentment towards the person or situation grows until it has taken on a life form of its own. On reflection, the problem likely could have been nipped in the bud had we just engaged in a hard conversation early on. Here are my three top tips to guide you through challenging conversations and give you the confidence to get started.
Ask yourself “What story am I telling myself?”
Before engaging in a hard conversation, take time to reflect on what is the story that I am telling myself about the situation. When we take time to reflect, many of us will find that we have created a story that could be impacting how we engage with the issue. This could be something like – “they don’t like me”, “I am not good at my job”, “I must have done something to set this train wreck in motion”, or “it’s their fault, I don’t know why I have to initiate the conversation”, just as a few examples. Let’s be honest, this is where our lizard brains can thrive. Starting with self-dialogue and breaking down the story can help us to distinguish between facts and feelings so that we are engaging in the conversation from a safer and more honest place.
AMPP - Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase and Prime
The book Crucial Conversations uses the term AMPP (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase and Prime) as a set of “power listening” skills that help build safety and encourage the other person to share his or her meaning. This is helpful if others are using silence or violence, the most common reaction is feeling unsafe. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking the other person to express their feelings to get the ball rolling. For example, “I would really like to get your opinion on this” can be a good way to open that conversation. Mirroring involves picking up on others tones or body language that may suggest although they are saying things are ok there are other indicators to suggest otherwise – you can open this conversation with something as simple as “You seem angry with me” or, “You seem uncomfortable with that. Am I reading this right?”. Paraphrasing is a good practice in business and relationships to make others feel heard and confirm you understand. Double-checking, “Let’s see if I got this right” and then re-stating what you heard them say for confirmation. Priming is a last resort when it seems as if there is something more going on that isn’t being revealed, with you taking your best guess at what it might be to attempt to create dialogue. For example, “I feel that you thought I didn’t support your pitch to the board last week” would provide an opportunity for discussion. You might not get it right, which is why it’s a last resort, but it might get them to talk about what’s really bothering them. Note, here you are simply seeking information, not to agree or disagree.
Use a trauma-informed lens
These are tough times. Period. We are all going through something. Be curious about what is going on with yourselves and others. Do you have any needs that aren’t being met? Could the other person have any that also aren’t being met? We might step in to assist our staff or co-worker with a disgruntled customer and instead of thinking “this person is just being a jerk!”, take time to think about “What is their need here?” and consider what happened to make this person think that this behaviour is acceptable. This isn’t to give people free passes, it’s the contrary. This lens adds an element of compassion into our crucial conversations and boundaries of what we can and cannot control. Taking this view will help us remember that other people’s emotions are theirs, not ours and it is not our job to pick them up when they are handed to us.
I am sure we have all heard the motto – practice makes perfect. While I don’t know what such a thing is as having a “perfect” crucial conversation, there are times it can go better than others. Practicing can help give us the confidence to step into the arena and engage in the conversation. It can also help us map out a few key points so that if emotions run high or someone tries to derail the conversation you can bring it back to the facts. Whether you practice in front of a mirror, via an app like Marco Polo to a friend or sometimes even in writing, it can be helpful to get out of your head. While it never becomes easy over time the discomfort will lighten. When you start to feel empowered and see your relationships improve, the rewards will motivate you to keep going.
Interested in learning more? Check out Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High in print or in audiobook.
About Amanda McConnell
Amanda is passionate about women, leadership and giving a voice to those in need. She currently worked as a Clinical Case Worker providing clinical leadership in a youth group live-in treatment center. She attended Laurentian University where she was a member of the women’s basketball team and graduated with a B.A honours in History/Women’s Studies. She also holds a Bachelors's degree from the University of Regina in Social Work and is currently working towards her Master’s Degree. Amanda has received professional certificates in leadership, Crucial Conversations and leading community change. Outside of work, she loves to travel, engage in community advocacy and spend time with her loved ones, including her 2-year old ball of energy.